Kate Kotler and Elliott Serrano write for Bleeding Cool;
This week we navigate the tricky waters which surround having a true “friends with benefits” relationship with another person. For those of you who don’t know this phrase (and are living under a rock), a “friends with benefits” or “FWB” is a friendship with intimate privileges, but no emotional attachment. IE: Friends who have teh schmexy time on a semi-regular basis with no relationship strings attached. Sex ala carte, if you will…
This, of course, only works if both parties agree to this arrangement prior to having teh schmexy time and abide by the protocols of a FWB situation… as we see our letter writer is having problems with…
I don’t like relationships; I think it’s the bane of our existence that we are beholden to someone (even someone that we love) and that we cannot escape this because it is a societal norm. This said, I like the feeling of being inside someone as much as the next guy (I really hope that the next guy likes it or my analogy is for crap!) and thus occasionally feel the need for female sexual companionship.
Thing is; I’ve been with girls and clearly stated that I was literally only in it for the frequent/infrequent sexual intercourse. If we stoke up a friendship, then that’s great, but separate. They acknowledge and agree to continue on with things on this basis.
However, when it comes to calling off the sexy times (boredom, someone else, more than someone else…) they almost all react with complete despair. Speaking of how we were somehow special, or fit to move on to further things. Whilst anyone is welcome to their own hopes of where things will go, I made a pretty definitive statement of intent at the start. This gets ignored, and I’m pilloried because they feel like they deserved more. Is this just bullshit guilt tripping, or am I just sexing emotionally unstable human women? If it’s the latter, then I clearly need to stop hanging outside the sanitarium. I think I need to start drawing up contracts.
Benefits Without Friends in the End
You would think that after not one but two – TWO – films dealing with the issue of sex without emotional attachment this whole idea would be dismissed. Alas, the ‘no strings attached’ scenario still lingers in the minds of many and remains as tricky as hacking into Starfleet Academy’s servers to change the possible outcome of the Kobayashi Maru. And like the fabled training program of Star Trek mythos, methinks that the pursuit of sex-without-attachment can also be a no-win scenario.
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way that you do, you’re just looking in the wrong places. Your little joke about hanging outside sanitariums for a hook-up aside, you more then likely need to cast your net outside your immediate social circles. I say stop hooking up with friends and friends of friends. You can find temporary partners interested meaningless sexual encounters at night clubs, singles social gathering and even on the Internet.
Of course, in today’s age of sexual predators, serial killers, stalkers and STDs, you have to be especially careful with how you go about hooking up with people via these methods. Just keep in mind to never take someone home with you; never leave your wallet lying on the nightstand full of cash; and ALWAYS use a condom.
(And, you know there had to be a ‘but’ in there, right?)
…If you ask me, this sort of thing tends to fall in the category of ‘be careful what you ask for cuz’ you just might get it.’ See, if you say that all these women you hook up with end up pining for you and wanting more, it’s obvious that you’ve always been the one who got to call the shots – to call it quits – to be the one who disposed of the other. How do you think you’re going to feel when you meet someone who wants to dispose of you? Is your ego gonna be able to take it? Everyone wants to be the user. Nobody ever wants to be the one getting used.
And do keep in mind that when you enter into a scenario where both parties are seeking purely physical fulfillment, they both give up all rights to hold or make judgments on the other, so terms like ‘slut’, ‘cad’, ‘dog’, ‘whore’ and ‘man-whore’ are off-limits. (That is unless exclaimed while in the throes of passion.) And there’s no such thing as a high road here, folks. You’re both giving in to your basest, most carnal impulses. As long as both are consenting adults, this should be a ‘victimless crime’ so to speak. Just don’t allow yourself to be conditioned into thinking that’s how all relationships work and that all sex is good for is to kill time and get an endorphin rush. You could be missing out on something special down the road if you do.
In conclusion, if you have the emotional resilience to handle being discarded like a used tissue, there are plenty of women out there who are more than willing to use you.
If you have the necessary detachment that you claim to have, you just need expand your social boundaries and you’re sure to find them. Just don’t ask them for their real names, phone numbers or if you can see them again.
Unless, of course, they turn out to be Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman, cuz’ I want them to use ME next!
Though the hopeless romantic in me feels sad that you view love and relationships in such a stark manner, there is nothing wrong with having “friends with benefit” situations – if they are truly that.
One of the best relationships I ever had was with someone who was (and still is) a super-close friend – we slept together when it suited us, and didn’t when we didn’t, but remained friends regardless. There was never jealousy when one or the other of us paid attention to someone else. There was no fighting or hurt feelings because we knew what the boundaries of our situation were.
Here’s the shocking thing: The friendship was on par with the sex as to what made the situation awesome. John Doe* and I spent as much time hanging out, playing pool, reading comics, drinking, laughing, acting stupid, having a non-schmexy awesome time as we ever did fucking.
And, we spent a lot of time fucking, my friend. John Doe was-is-and will forever be one of the HOTTEST guys I’ve ever met. Damn skippy I rode that ride!! (And, got the t-shirt!)
That kind of situation is one in a million though, because I’d say most “FWB” situations end up with someone getting too attached and ooking the other out… or, at least that’s been my general experience.
It is very true that women, unlike men, do have a harder time separating “sex” from “love” and achieving that zen-state of being which allows a true “FWB” sitch. It just isn’t possible for some women. I think that as long as you’re upfront with the women you choose to sleep with that there isn’t much else you can do, except NOT sleep with them…
It’s a sexy Catch-22.
As much as it pains me to say this, Elliott is right – you should look for potential partners outside your immediate circle of friends. There are whole websites devoted to connecting those interested in sex-without-strings… Like Adult Friend Finder… Or XTube, where you can get your pr0n fix and a date for Saturday night all in a one stop shopping trip…
You might also try older women -cougars, if you will- who have already been through a serious relationship or two, as it is likely that they have a better understanding of how “sex” and “love” are not necessarily connected.
In the end: You’ll have to weigh the pros vs. the cons of continuing to engage women in the manner you’ve been doing and decide if it’s worth the hassle or if you’d rather just get a tube of KY and a Fleshlight and be done with it.
PS: Don’t give up on relationships and love, having a great relationship with someone you love can enhance your life. I’ve been deeply in love twice and have never felt “beholden” to anyone in any way that wasn’t completely pleasurable and rewarding.
Got a geeky romantical problem you need help with? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll do our best to help you out!
Until next week, KYPO!
(Say it “KAPOW!” It’ll make it feel more comic-y for you!)
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